This January will mark a largely unimportant milestone in my young existence - I will have lived exactly 1/4 of my life in New England. Let me explain why this doesn't matter to you: I don't want every time one part of the country decides to go through some existential crisis to have to define who I'm supporting - the South ("we-shall-rise-again") or the North ("we-don't-need-your-slack"). I consider myself more loyal to cities and people than geography, but lately getting this point across is as productive as a cactus fight.

Instead of hating the south, which includes all my friends, family and a chain of supermarkets with delicious subs, I'd like to shift the misdirected focus of the sagely Northern states off of the good-old-boys and onto another portion of the population that I think is more deserving of some maligning. I am speaking of people who watch Reality TV Shows.

During the elections, which are serious, somber proceedings we cut to commercial. It was the promo for "Rebel Billionaire" which was about 1:30 of shear, unadulterated shit. I remember thinking, "after this, it will be okay because surely, this is the end." I've studied the dot com boom/bust so I like to think I can spot when social Darwinism usually kicks in, but with reality TV this is not so. Item: "He's a Lady" - same length, took me about another 1:20 for this concept to sink in, then I punched a dog (this took 10 secs). Item: "Renovate My Family" - hopefully, eliminations occur with staple guns. Item: "The Biggest Loser" - today's episode; the teams have breakfast together.

Reality TV-watchers should secede and form their own nation then loosely organize into unrealistic teams, steal each other's water, sleep around while redecorating their dens, and occasionally be handed "problems" that require the intelligence of a cabbage. We'll throw in an element of danger - like Navy target practice or random organ harvests. Now THAT would get ratings.