According to a recent commercial by Dyson (that colorful Brit who thinks "Things just shouldn't suck so bad"), his new vacuum is capable of generating a force ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES THE FORCE OF GRAVITY. Since I have absolutely no concept of the force of gravity, I will naturally try to explain what this means; basically, if you buy a Dyson vacuum (retail: $419.94) you could accidentally suck the entire earth, sun, and 6 of the other closer (but ugly) planets, along with whatever appendage your holding it with into an dimensional-rift faster than it takes to find porn on the internet.

There are a couple problems here that I see right away, all of them supporting my theory that Dyson is himself an international super villain bent on global destruction.

First, the name "Dyson" sounds like something you'd name your kid if you were shooting to raise an evil genius. Say it to yourself like it's a command. So the kid had no chance, and probably started down this path at an early age. The fact that no one recognized this is a clear failing of our public schools - the Preventing Super Villain Activity budget hasn't increased since the 60's when evil and really long sideburns were just being introduced.

Second, where's the intelligence report on this thing? Or at least a warning label from the FDA? ("May cause cataclysmic space-time disruption; keep out of reach of children"). Dyson even mocks like a supervillian: on his web site, he nonchalantly tosses off that he went through 5,000 prototypes until "at last" he was able to "launch the Dyson Cyclone". That's just what I'd call my doomsday device, you know?

Oh, and what does he mean by "at last"? At last? You mean, this one is just right? He's been at this for awhile, probably in some lair under the English Channel. Why stop at gravity? Why not take on the so-called strong and weak forces thus enabling him to simultaneously unravel space-time AND fix all British dental problems in one fell swoop?

If you're not completely convinced, just look at this thing - incidentally, there's one cone for every continent...COINCIDENCE?

Perhaps I'm all wrong about this. And perhaps Dyson is not really bundling death-machines in his trendy, over-designed vacuum cleaners. But I'm dusting off my MI6 badge, just in case.