When I finish work, I want to be coming down from a stressful day, driving thoughtfully, letting the important details of the past 8 hours evaporate from my head into the atmosphere - maybe planning the rest of my day, or better yet, how to leave earlier tomorrow. Instead, I have to deal with incompetence.

I went to pick up my dry cleaning this evening and noticed a button on my favorite shirt. I had asked it be replaced, and when I questioned the attendant she checked the ticket and replied that it had been. I took a second look, more for her then myself (knowing the button to be burnt and disintegrating into a fine powder resembling dried toothpaste) and then held it up to her face, like you would a 5 year old.

She turned to the owner and told her boss something I have no earthly hope of knowing, and they confered for like 20 seconds. Meanwhile, if clothes could develop cancer, my button was metastasizing. The owner tells me, "Top button always burn, sometimes...it (does gator jaw-action with arms)." So, I'm getting an idea of the way dry-cleaning is done. Someone takes wet shirts, throws them on a press and hits them with a giant, button-burning iron. And also, it occurs to me that she might be telling the truth, my mind just hasn't caught up with my amusement of her arm-activity.

"This is the new button, but you burned it again? Is that what you're saying?"

"Yeah, I think yeah, okay?" And it was okay. I mean, my button was obviously replaced, but with another burnt button. I didn't SAY the new button had to be burn-free. But I'm running out of patience and I tell her, "So, I am to understand that you replaced the button, grilled it, and tried to give it back to me, like I wouldn't notice?"

Worried stares. You could see that 5 minutes ago, they had no idea this shirt or even I existed. I'm confused by passive aggression, so I reached for the check and said, "If I bring this shirt back with the new button, will you burn it for me a third time?"

"Yes, I think it yes, okay?" Amazing.

"So, how much do you charge for that?" Rude look from soccer-mom to my left.

"Uh, I don't know (nervous laugh, furtive glance under counter) see you soon, bye!"

If you've ever seen someone shaking their head, laughing quietly to himself while signing a check, it means that person has just been screwed over and knows it. CONTINUED...

I have to come clean - I have been in an ongoing love-affair with Florida for the last 11 years. Maryland, you're still a solid second, but you just cannot beat an archipelagro. I took some vacation time after deciding that I would try to get down here at least 3 times a year and haven't looked back. Been in Gainesville, seeing old friends who have managed to pull away from their busy schedules to see me...I realize this might get old, my coming back, but I can pretty much self-diagnose myself if I start to see a bout of "JamesBatesism" taking hold (now there's a guy who needs to quit).

Florida is basically a large playpen into which the nation puts its rich college kids and established aging businessmen, sprinkled with a healthy dose of underachievers. It is a place I have figured out completely becuase it doesn't demand the social mangement skills of say, a DC.