Periodically during the workday, this car honks uncontrollably almost as if the alarm system is malfunctioning or someone is angrily punching the horn. This occurs perhaps twice every 30 mins and is cause for some disruption on the South side of the building where this car is usually parked. Attempts to reach the owner have been unsuccessful. Please take measures to control this problem. If it turns out that there's someone tied up in your backseat, working the horn vigorously in an effort to be noticed before passing out every half-hour, we completely understand - please disregard this note. Thank you!

And now, things I said I'd like our charity 5K Running Team to be named just so that I can see it in print and have it announced over a loudspeaker:

The Decepticons, The Foot Clan, Heaven's Gate, The B-Team, Good Effort, Cubicle Envy, The Fighting Lutefisk, The Blue Noise, Cocktails at Five, Dingo Ate Your Baby, License to Bill, The Swansongs, There's Something On the Wing, The Funky Bunch, Jumpin Jack Flash, The Frozen Waterbeds, Wubba Wubba Wubba, Killer Girlscouts, The Imperial Doghnuts, Death to Coverbands, noerrorbells, The Away Messages, The Urban Cougars

My friend, Steve, thinks you are one of the most influential musicians of the 21 century. He sings your songs, wears his hair like yours and even voted for you in the past election as a write-in candidate. I am writing to "book" you for May the 31st as a suprise for him, but I suspect you might still be tied up in the Senate. See, this will be Steve's first day of real, solid work since college, owing to his fortunate employment at an Engineering firm in South Florida. We'd like you to consider coming around lunch and keeping it short as Steve wants to make a good impression by not taking too much personal time his first week on the job. I figure after 3 years of being his roommate and listening to repeated rotations of "The Hunger" I owe him this much and so do you.

Sincerely, Brandon
P.S. Please respond soon as I need to know what you want on your sub sandwich.

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Brandon,
It is so nice of you to take time out of your very busy day to write a fan letter to Mr. Bolton. I'm sure your parents would be proud. While we are all very happy to hear that Mr. Kurian is gainfully employed, I am sorry to inform you that Mr. Bolton was not part of any political campaign. If there is anything else we can do for you to further your relationship with Mr. Steve Kurian, please let us know. Hope this helps!

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Dear Nameless Bolton Lacky:
Thank you for being absolutly no help at all. In the future, could you please see that all of Mr. Bolton's mail gets to Mr. Bolton himself as I'm pretty confident that a) if he had read my words he would be on a cessna to Tampa by now and b) opening other people's mail is a federal offense. I'm sure your parents would be proud. By the way, Kenny G. practically swallowed his electric clarinet when he heard my offer - I guess Bolton just can't hang.
Sinerely, Brandon

Oh, man - as I was redoing my web site, I came across a trove (see TJ for proper use of the word "trove") of old work, including this ad comp I did for [Adult Swim] back when I actually had an online interview with Time Warner who owns (among other things) Cartoon Network who patronizes the best damn studio on earth, Williams Street. I didn't even get past round one, but to tell you the truth, I spent only like a half-hour on this. Enjoy.

Listening to some old cd's at work. I decided to conduct an experiment and listen to one entire band's complete works who formed during my lifetime, so I put on all 3 Eve6 albums and noticed something very important: Eve6 gives me rushes of adrenaline in my cubicle, the same rush I feel flying down the soccer field or driving really fast. Mostly they stand up for being a boorish guy, like in "Think Twice" where you chant "think twice 'fore you touch my girl / come around I'll let you feel the burn". Dang, that's how it used to be. And good for them for sticking up for guys who want to fight for what's theirs or even feel like they might still have the right to act macho for whatever reason (and what's more is they've been doing it consistently for more than 10 years). Today's man spends a lot of time grooming, feeling, paying attention to emotions and basically obsessing much like our fairer counterparts - I fully support an occassional return to the old man, or even a combining of the two. I'll have my cubicle-moshing as well as my scalp moisturizer, thank you very much. I'll drink my Guinness in the evening and Reisling at night. What's the point here? The point is, I am getting the message that I should aspire to hide being a man or at least be embarrassed of it, which I think is crap. What ever happened to trying to be a better person irrespective of sex? Oh, wait...it seems the last album is over and some Paul Simon just came on...what was I just ranting about again?