(Author's Note: This article has nothing to do with Hurricanes)

I have nothing but respect for the industrious scorpion that lives near where I slept this weekend in my parents house in Florida. I was tripping balls on so much scorpion venom I actually thought I had recieved a series of telegrams from God himself, one of which instructed me to gather 2 of every kind of milkshake for a coming heatwave. I know I've told a few of you this story but it bares repeating. Somewhere in the middle of a dreamless sleep I guess I was attacked by the only scorpion that naturally produces LSD. It was understandable since I haven't occupied that room for almost 7 years and she probably had just finished laying about a million eggs all over my baseball cards and college memorabilia. I know if I had if I had a stinger and a death wish, I'd be looking for a chance to use it, but regrettably I don't so I have to continue writing angry letters to the editor. Irreregardless, the quarter-sized blister on my back is enough to convince me, along with this dream, that I probably should get some health insurance.

God's letter:
Dear Brandon,
You will be visted by animals of different varieties. Some animals will be sent by me and others by Satan. It will be up to you to determine which one's are mine and which are demon-spawn. Some of them need baths, but you don't have to if you don't want to.
-God

At this point I figure I had only been stung a few times because I was only a little incredulous. Bring on the animals, I'm fully capable of making the call. So, the tail-stabbings continued because pretty soon I'm hanging out with some dogs with human faces (possibly my actual dog who decided to investigate the screaming coming from my room). That's Satan's work, I figured. Next some circus bears dropped by - between stings - to juggle some silver hoops. They are hilarious and I am wasted - thank you, God. Next was a cow, complete with bell. I reached out to touch it, but it suddently burst into flames and started mooing with this surprised look on its face, like, "Holey crap, I'm on fire". There is no way to prevent scorpion stings except to lie really still and not thrash around. By this point, the scorpion was probably completely spent and having a smoke. I woke up laying next to the door and I remembered this was because sometime after the cow but before the elephant, I decided to shut the door to keep the animals at bay.

The feeling was a lot like being drunk and having your friends run at you at high speeds, then stopping inches from your face, yelling at the top of their lungs. You'd murder them just to make them stop. My dog was asleep in my closet, a place she never goes because stuff falls on her in there. Obviously, it was a safer place then the floor that night.