Sent to "Some Guy" on MySpace, 2:15 Saturday morning, upon my return from Eyebar:

Holy shit, man - you're THAT GUY everyone's talking about! It's good to put a name to face, finally. Does Jon Lovitz know you used him as an archetype for your embodiment? That seems like something they would have mentioned on the commentary track of "The Critic" DVD's. Crap, I just rememberd: when I had to break into my own apartment last month, I totally blamed it on you. And that iron burn on my carpet. I've been meaning to send a card. Do you have any idea how often you come up in conversation? "Some guys find spousal abuse to be a form of release" or "shaving cream enemas? Well, some guys like that sort of thing...". My friends and I talk about you ALL THE TIME. I guess it must be hard taking the fall all the time, though - but that's your job, after all - you suffer so that other guys appear better by flippant, subjective comparison. Hey, while we're on the subject, some guys at the club tonight were wearing their collars in the up position - how do you account for this recent assholic fashion trend? Can we check this before I have to escalate this issue and contact "Every Guy"? It would save me some time and you some embarrassment. Your friend, Brandon