You might have noticed the recent Broadway-esque commercial spots for Ask.com. I know I have. I think Ask.com has purchased at least 2.35 spots for each man, woman and child in the United States in a attempt to attract attention away from all the better search engines and focus it on theirs. If I was to pick a suitable metaphor for the amount of desperation I'm getting from Ask.com, I would have to go with being a single guy out at a bar at 2:47 when your every move is being noticed by something like 90 guys who so want you to be anything other than another dude. So, um, what Search Engine are you going home with tonight?

At this time, I am completely ready to get drunk with Google, fool around a little just inside the kitchen doors, take it home, and finally, make a serious of deliriously irresponsible miscalculations leading up to probably some very real consequences we both are unequipped to deal with. That's my comfort level with my search engine and I'm not even a technology zealot - I'll use the best thing it if demonstrates its value to me. My recent experiences with Ask.com proves why I'm totally fine with it buying me drinks all night but if it thinks it can slither over to dance with me and my friends, it has another thing coming.

Here's a typical example of how Ask.com is just not cutting it; their latest commercial featured a dancing cavalcade of crazy kill-faced Kato Kaelins and a woman orgasmically proclaiming she found what she wanted (what did she search for, washed-up sofa-crashing crack-heads?). If you're anything like me you are probably thinking to yourself, "Hmmm. Would I go totally ape-shit getting search results for a complete douche bag?". Instead, I prefer to do searches like the following:

"bug bites up my leg"

Let me explain: last night a gang of wayward army ants, driven mad by the combination of humidity and pot smoke in Columbia Heights made its way through my bedroom, stopping to feast on my lower regions. So I did the only thing you do with an embarrassing situation: I looked for someone else who has written about it on the Interweb. When I gave this phrase to Google, it returned the following as a first result:

"Yahoo! Answers - Bug bites??I woke up and I had multiple bug bites?
10 answers - So I went to bed and then woke up with bug bites on my leg and one on my arm.The bites are swollen are letting out puss???AHHHHH!!!"

Okay, my leg is not pussy. That's gross. And apparently I don't have a Staph infection which is really great. But let's look at what Ask.com turned up:

"Rock Climbing Forums: Climbing Information: Injuries & Accidents:
karma Oct 6, 2005, 10:48 AM Post #1 of 42 (4576 views) Shortcut ... Re: I broke my leg, please cheer me up."

Way to let me down hard, Ask. Technically, you deserve credit for getting "leg" correct, but you were just rolling the dice with the rest of it. Here's your second result which by nature is supposed to be less accurate anyway:

"GlobalPaw - Dog Communities and Dog Forums
I hate to bring up such a topic but I am concerned about my nine week old pup. When he gets excited he often jumps up onto my leg and bites the..."

WHAT THE HELL DOES HE BITE??!? Again, you totally obfuscate my search with the added insult of bating my interest with an unfinished story about testicle damage. Although I have to admit I did forgot about the bites for awhile but only because I'm feeling phantom jaw-pressure on my sack which is only a slight improvement overall.

See, my theory is that if you have something good, you don't really have to tell people about it, they'll figure it out. Pretty soon Google is going to allow me to search my imagination. And when that happens, there's no algorithm on earth that's gonna save the likes of Ask.com.